Welcome to the world of the unravelled.
Dad I’m freaking out!
I have nothing, and everything I DID have is slipping away!
Tell me what you’re thankful for.
👀 are we seriously doing this now?
Gratitude is the antidote for discouragement.
If you’re discouraged it’s because you don’t know what you mean to Me.
Snuggle in, tell me how happy you are to be with Me.
But God, I feel abandoned. I’m mad at you!
I’m afraid I’m going to become useless to the world.
My worst fears, of being redundant in the lives of others seem to be coming true.
I’m losing my grip.
Look at all this wasted time!
What waste?
Aren’t you sooo happy to be with me?
Ugh! Yea I guess. (*sticks out tongue like petulant child)
But I’m panicking.
And that is exactly why we’re doing this.
All the things you want, I want them for you too! But you’re not ready to handle them.
If I gave it all to you now, you’d find your fulfillment in them, and one day they would crush you.
And you wouldn’t know who I am for you. So we’re doing this Now!
Fine. When are we gonna be done? I’m on a schedule!
Not telling
I’m wasting awaaaaay!!!!!!
lol
Tell me how you Really feel 😉
But honestly, please chill. You’re not going to make this go faster by stressing.
I don’t know how. (Hyperventilate)
You got this. I’m here. I got you.
Oh look, your friend just invited you to a ball! SO FUN!!
Dad, I can’t afford bread or even eggs.
And look, your other friend has a dress you can borrow.
You’re going to a party and you’re gonna look so PRETTY!
Can you please be serious right now!
What about bus fare for next week?
Oh, here’s someone who wants to take you to a Spa next week!
I just don’t get you!!!!
Aren’t You supposed to be the one sorting out the details? Being the responsible one?
Who says I’m not!
Maybe just be present?
Maybe say ‘Cool! Thanks Dad! This is fun!” and relax.
You need to know I want to bless you.
Remember Psalm 23: I make a feast for you in the presence of your enemies?
I’m pretty sure this looks like a feast. Just saying!
(Wailing!)
I’m failing at normal! Failure to launch. Done for. No longer relevant.
You’re trying to be so responsible, and admired but others.
Did you ever ask Me if I was telling you to be responsible for yourself right now?
Didn’t you give me your whole self?
Yes.
So all your plans are mine now, all your ambitions are mine.
So if this is the way I want to care for you, let me do it my way.
You Know from experience I Have Never Dropped you. Nor will I ever.
Let ME regulate what your daily success looks like.
(Deep breath) Okay daddy. Will do. Thanks 🥲
One last thing, do I look a fool?
If you do, you’re in good company. ✝️
Right now, I am being unraveled, undone, unwound.
Above is the conversation I’ve been having with God lately.
I’m a “doer” by nature. I once asked a pastor for a reference, and my favorite thing they said on the reference was “Rachel gets shit done.” I was so proud to be known for this punchy quality! And that my pastor would say it with no apology. I used to joke that on my epitaph I wanted it to say “She was effective”.
I have a genuine satisfaction in ‘doing’, however some of it is part of the deep places of a younger fearful little Rachel who felt unable, helpless and disempowered to do or accomplish much of anything. For long periods of my life I have struggled with the very basics of things that others would think are simple and normal. My very name implies the need for dependence on someone else.
Rachel means “Ewe” which is a female sheep. Sheep are known for being helpless and a bit witless.
I have railed against that sense of powerlessness, and have rejoiced when I seem to rise above it and get that “shit” done. In more recent years I have made some glorious discoveries of things I AM able to do, and many of which I had no idea were even in my capacity. Euphoria! I’m fixed!! It’s bigger and better from here on out.
However, I’ve noticed this phenomena in myself, as well as in general human nature; that once I’ve discovered the ‘answer’ to my hopes and dreams, or I think I’ve been saved from the deepest fears within myself, my tendency is to cling onto that sense of new meaning.
I feel delivered from myself, and my ‘new self’ easily becomes my god. The sense of purpose I get from doing or belonging is my saviour. I am now secretly a slave to the terror that my new self reliance ability will someday get taken away.
Who would I be then, if not Rachel the capable or Rachel the wise?! So really, my fix-it solutions take me from bondage to bondage. Helpless to helpless.
This path I’ve chosen to walk with the Lord has lead me into the depths of dependence on Him. And His provision is currently coming through tears and through others. First of all, I am UNDONE by the kindness of my friends, who clearly don’t hold me hold me to the same exacting expectation that I do. And I am truly in awe how God WANTS me to embrace helplessness. It’s horrible!
The beauty is: I can feel this is God’s hand unraveling me. It’s Him causing me to wait, and as I do I come face to face with each of my giants, allowing Him to show me how to vanquish them with His strength and His strategy. On the human level it’s nerve-wracking and yet I can feel it is the hand of the Shepherd. I can feel Him showing me that it’s Him drawing me out and forcing me to rest, causing me to wait. I am perhaps learning the other side of my name meaning; not of the helpless sheep, but of the sweet little lamb the Shepherd cannot help himself but hold it close to His chest. He’s drawn me to a place where I cannot rescue myself, not because He wants to shame me, but because He wants me to know I am held and can find all my needs and all my Identity in Him.
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Can so recognize this conversation! Thanks for sharing this and your journey